I Realized Why I Hate the Local Safeway

RELATED NOTE: I’m not enjoying the sugar cookie that I am eating right now that I purchased at Safeway. I’m pretty sure I can feel the fiberglass that they added…

This just in, that weird taste must be cat urine.

The other day, I had the displeasure of once again visiting my local Safeway. I had every intention of going to the nearby, but further away Target, but I zoned out and ended up missing my exit on the roundabout. Angry at myself, I decided to just go to Safeway as opposed to turning around.

Every single person at that Safeway is either retarded, or disabled. I’ve realized that the ONLY conceivable way that this can be is that they must utilize a Retarded vs. Disabled Vein Diagram in which all potential employees must fall in (diagram shown)

No, I do not hate disabled people, although stay tuned to hear my awkward encounter with one! I hate dumb people, and this Safeway has a lot of them.

I, on numerous occasions, have wanted to go up to someone and explain how to use an intercom system. Paging over the entire store, “Bertha, please page your location, we have a register problem. It’s still not opening. Bertha, page your location. The register is Still. Not. Opening. Thank you Bertha” is NOT an acceptable use of an intercom. You instead say, “Bertha, please dial my extension” but I digress.

Every time I go to that Safeway, I hear some retarded page. But Safeway, you are interrupting your … surprisingly HORRIBLE shopping music! (seriously, how is music that makes me projectile vomit on the Kix supposed to encourage spending?) *Fun fact, I did actually puke a little during this trip to Safeway!.

So I’m cringing at the fact I had just heard a series of two dumbasses paging each other that could have been condensed into one page that was ¼ as long, and go to check out. I just didn’t feel like doing it myself that day, so I went to the only open check stand with a person at it. Luckily there was no line, so I walked right up.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GET YOUR WATER AND LIFT IT FOR YOU SO I CAN RING IT?

Oh, hello, um, no, I think I can handle that, thank you though!...

OK, JUST PUT IT UP HERE

(WHY is she yelling at me?) Ok, I’ll get it (busy texting)

Is it safeway water?

(FIIIINE, ILL GET IT NOW wait… why did she stop yelling at me)

What? No, it’s arrowhead. (As I am lifting it out of the cart and onto her little counter)

Ok (typetypetypetypetype)

Don’t you need to…. (this is where I got my first look at her. Short, obese and connected to an oxygen tank) …….aalcckk scan it or something? (did I just “aalcckk” at her, … Crap, I totally did, I hope she doesn’t notice) Coughcough

Just put this sticker on it so they know I rang it up if they check and so I don’t get fired.

Haha, ook… COUGH, ..Cough, we wouldn’t want that……………..

WOULD YOU LIKE ANY HELP OUT TODAY

(Yes) (you haven’t even started ringing me out yet,) Nah, (looking at her oxygen tank) I think I can handle it today...

DO YOU NEED STAMPS OR ICE TODAY

Noo

(ringing) Pot Roast sounds really good today!

That’s why I’m making it! (I had no idea it was so obvious that I was making pot roast!) I’m pretty excited about it!

Ok, it’s going to come to 13.89 today. DID YOU SLIDE YOUR SAFEWAY CARD?

(You’re really bad at auto-responses) Yup, I got that, thanks! (As I read the “Would you like to help people with disabilities today? “Question on the pinpad)

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HELP PEOPLE WITH DISIBILITIES TODAY?

(Really, you needed to ask me personally, making my what-could-be private decision a public matter? Is this a tactic that works for you? Are you even on oxygen, or are you just pretending so you can make my life as miserable as humanly possible, DAMN IT! I really should have taken her up on her offer to help me to my car today, I would have given her a donation for that. There’s no fucking way I’m donating money just because someone who clearly has a disability but is so willing to help me anyway, asked for it, is this even ethical? I should call the BBB, I wonder if she’s an illegal immigrant, Come to think of it, I don’t think I really want this person touching my food, maybe I can complain to the manager and get a free gift card) …..Nooo,…….. not today……….. (as I hit the no button on the pinpad again and again and again [ I swear to god, the machine froze])

SILENCE

(oh shit, she noticed how vigorously I was hitting the no button)

…..

(umm)

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PUT YOUR BAGS INTO YOUR CART FOR YOU TODAY?

(If you say today ONE more god damn time, I am LITERALLY going to kill myself right here) (Would I die on the spot and be taken directly to hell if I said yes right now? But I really want to see her do it, she wouldn’t offer if she wasn’t confident that she could do it. It’s being more prejudiced to give her special treatment than it would be to just treat her like anyone else, I’d be doing her a favor by valuing her willingness to help me!) No thank you! I got these, Thaaaanks!! :D

OK HAVE A GOOD DAY ( ooh that was close to another “today”)

(I would have had a good day had I just not shopped at this Safeway, I think I’m going to go home and just throw this food away to avoid catching any dieses)…

My pot roast was subpar at best.

My life = terrible at Safeway’s.


Written By: Dan Pag, a pretty awesome guy, although had trouble with formatting. 

Dan and the DMV

Nothing makes me happier than a trip to the DMV. I enjoy going so much, that I actually went twice in order to get my drivers license renewed. I figured I’d beat the rush and not have to wait for two hours if I went early, after I got there at 2 and just turned around because it was so crowded. The second time I went, I got there at 8:07 am, and since I got there so early, I only had to wait two hours.

I would like to know which DMV all the normal people go to, they have to get drivers licenses too, right? Or does going to the DMV automatically make you crazy, because everyone there was insane. I was pretty sure I was going to catch stupid from the woman sitting next to me. She smelled so bad it wasn’t even funny. That of course didn’t keep me from laughing a little to myself anyway. She reminded me of a gorilla.

Let me start from the beginning. So I walked in, and was greeted by some old lady. May I help you? I need to get my drivers license renewed. Your Colorado license? Uuummm, yes? Ok, here’s a number, take a seat. (Seriously? Is this all you do?) They only have one person working a computer so they can have an angry old lady hand out numbers and ask stupid questions? You know, I understand. Grabbing a number is growing to be an extremely difficult task. I was very upset.

There was this guy there, who was like 100, in a neck brace. Whatever, I don’t care why you are in a neck brace, don’t talk to me, thanks. Can’t you tell I am texting/updating my facebook and twitter status’s constantly? GOD. He walked away eventually, and managed to drop his pen. He was too far away for me to do anything about it, but none of the other people did anything about it either. We all just stared at him and his neck brace as he struggled to pick up his pen. He got it, but had to be stretchered out several minutes later.

They called my number, and I walked up to the counter (still a little shaken about an old man needing medical assistance at the DMV) (FACT: Going to the DMV MAY kill you). She started doing her thing on the computer and I just stood there, zoned out a little. All of a sudden, I sensed that nothing was happening, so I casually look over to the DMV lady to see what’s up. I find her literally staring out into what seemed to be nowhere; with this retarded blank stare on her face. Then she went back to typing, then stopped again. At this point, I started to fear for my life. Is this woman a robot? What the hell is wrong with her? She started typing up again, and then stopped. She kept looking to the same spot, so I kind of turned to see where she was looking. As I was turning, she explained , “I’m trying to get her attention so she can get me some coffee.” What? By staring at her? She’s not even facing you, and she’s not that far away. She can probably hear what you are saying if she wasn’t 100 years old too. Maybe this is why you’ve been working at the DMV for 13 miserable years, because you try to use telepathic powers to get people to be your slave.

So you still 6’2, 145 pounds? Brown hair blue eyes? Aahh, sure. (no, I'm 155 pounds now, thanks) She looks up and at my eyes.

You have very interesting eyes; they are weird in a good way. (Staring at my face) Has anyone ever told you that? (yes) Umm, no, not really. (Continues staring at my face). I fake chuckle lightly, and she resumes typing. I didn’t really want to piss the DMV lady off. When I used to work at Walgreens all these old women would regularly compliment me on my beautiful eyes. But they were all over 60. It’s really not that nice when 60 year olds compliment your eyes. WHY DOES NO ONE ELSE NOTICE my beautiful eyes? GOD.

So I was done with her, and getting my picture taken by some other dinosaur of a woman. Oh, you were born on April Fools Day! I bet that was a joke to your parents! (HAHAHA! You are so funny, you are the first person to ever tell me that, EVER) Yea, it’s kind of a joke to me too. (What? That doesn’t even make sense, what the hell was I thinking?) Ha ha, yea, I’m sure. (Thanks for the pity laugh DMV Photo lady).

I got my license today in the mail, and I am quite pleased with how my picture turned out. It’s just a constant reminder of how hot I really am. Thank you DMV for this experience, but more importantly, making me look attractive in my driver’s license photo that I will have for 6 years.

Dan's Trip to Holister

So I went to a Holister today. No, I’m not a high school girl, thanks. My sister is though, and I forgot to buy her a stupid birthday present this year. OOH MMYY GODD, Just this One time, calm down, don’t have a cow. That was an interesting conversation at the dinner table; WHHAAT!!!? You didn’t get your sister anything for her birthday?!? Jesus Mother, chill out, I’ll get her something tomorrow; Her birthday was 4 days ago and we are just now celebrating, I’m pretty sure she’s just happy that we all remembered at all. This clearly was the best time I could think of to tell my mom that I was ditching school the next day too.

Tomorrow came and my sister and I went to Colorado Mills, because earlier that week, I had walked around and saw a Holister there. It was there, shut up. My sister was like, I'm pretty sure there is no Holister in Colorado Mills. But, I, obviously being right, said that I know I saw one, and we went. So we got there, and walked around the entire mall, just to find out that it had apparently closed down and completely vanished and had been transformed into something new between the time I was there several days earlier and the present moment. My sister started to cry because she really wanted these stupid jeans (my sister didn’t cry) and so I said I’d take her to Park Meadows because I felt like being nice. I actually just really enjoy driving while my sister cries.

We finally get to Park Meadows, and some asshole in the Eddie Bauer store came up to me and put his arm around me because apparently we went to high school together. I told him to stop snorting coke and pushed him into a sales rack. I had never seen this person in my entire life, he must have been drunk. Needless to say, I can never go into that Eddie Bauer store again; it’d just bring back bad memories. And isn’t that store for old people anyway? Turns out I Did go to high school with him as I realized several hours later. I bet he’s over it by now.

So we get to the Holister, and the god damn music was so loud that I could hardly hear myself think, let alone what my sister is saying, and I immediately wanted to die. It was dark, loud and everything was crammed in. I was very upset. Why do people shop there again?

As I was sitting there, waiting for my sister to try on 13 pairs of pants, I started to notice the people who work there. These two guys were folding some girls shirts and they were gossiping to each other as if they were on some MTV reality show. I had no idea that those people actually existed. One had weird hair too. Then the weird haired guy went over and talked on the phone for like ten minutes. Who does that? Everyone knows cybersex is the newest thing. Stupid douche.

Hey, I work at Holister, and I’m offended! Shut up, we all know you can’t read. Did you even graduate from high school?

My sister picked out some pants, and I was buying them from the stupid douche with the weird hair. It took forever, because apparently he was stupid, a douche, and slow. For some reason (I'm really lazy) I don’t ever sign my credit cards. Why would I give an example of my signature to some asshole that steals wallets? Here’s my ATM number too! So he looks at the back of my card, and asks, do you have an ID? I fumble around in my wallet just to realize that No, no I do not (refer to DMV story). So I say, No, and just stare at him with a, If you don’t give me my god damn bag I will rip your fugly face off look. He responded with, that’s ok. Here you go, and we left.

I was so unhappy that I almost shoplifted something, but then realized that A) I don’t shoplift and B) whatever I took it’d be from Holister and basically useless, so I didn’t. Maybe I'll steal something the next time when I forget about my sister’s birthday for 4 days.