Elmo Learns about Katy Perry’s Breasts!

God, this video was so hot. Brace yourself, its soft core Sesame Street porn. Katy Perry plays a deranged slut who is stalking Elmo’s every move, no doubt so she can violate him sexually, although they don’t really go into that in this video. I’m hoping the sequel goes more into some sexy sexual adventures between the two. Elmo is trying as hard as he can to run away from Perry, just like all men most likely do in real life. Along the way, you can count on Elmo making some new friends, most notably a cactus with a face, and having some really great (sex) adventures (maybe I was just imaging those). (This doesn’t make me a sexual offender, does it?)  

Unfortunately, Katy Perry was a little too slutty for the mommy’s and sensitive daddy’s out there, and as a result, this clip has been canned from airing on the New Years Sesame Street special later this year. Luckily it showed up on this fetish website that I subscribe to and frequent so I am able to share it with you now. They say it was cut because of how much boob Katy Perry was showing, but I think it’s all the sexual tension Perry and Elmo exhibit throughout the video. I wouldn’t be surprised if some off-set banging occurred, which complicated things.

DP on BP

Be sure to check out Part I of this post here. 

At one point in your busy day, you will probably fill up your gas tank because you’ve driven so much lately. I’ll be doing it for the second time since I started writing this later today, in fact. Ooh, but you need to avoid that BP station. They are bad people. They spill oil in the ocean, and cause innocent animals to die. It makes you feel bad. All that beautiful ocean, ruined for a very long time, all thanks to oil companies and their ocean drilling. You knew we shouldn’t be drilling in the ocean. You’re so angry right now!  

There are plenty of other places to be drilling so we can avoid the oceans, right? How about Alaska! Oh wait, we own that. We don’t want that place getting ruined, too. Well, now we need another place to satisfy our need for oil, preferably somewhere that we don’t own. Hm, we can’t drill in the oceans, because bad things happen, Alaska is off limits because its so damn beautiful and densely populated… OH! How about we drill the crap out of the Middle East! We don’t own that, and we find their deserts to be unappealing for both a permanent residence and vacation hot spot. Problem solved.

Oh, wait though. You kind of remember a few years ago bitching relentlessly about gas prices going up to and over four dollars a gallon. I guess you didn’t really care then where the hell they were drilling; you just wanted to get to McDonalds without spending more money getting there than you made working  there. Appears there is a problem with this new drilling method: when we don’t control the supply, we have no control over the price. But you really don’t want to ruin beautiful Alaska, or drill in our oceans. I guess we have a problem.

If you stop and think about it, we really don’t care where our stuff comes from until something goes horribly wrong, because we really like it when they get our stuff cheaply.  When something does go wrong, however, we get angry. We were all, for the most part, perfectly content with them drilling in our oceans. Very few of us probably even thought twice about it. But now something has gone wrong, and we are angry and blaming everything and everyone except ourselves.

“No, this is BP’s fault. I know, for a fact. They cut corners which caused this.” Oh my god! A company cut corners?! In a recession!?! Wait… did they save money too by cutting those corners!? I knew it. This is outrageous. This is completely, … completely ridiculous. I can’t believe this happened, because it has probably never happened in the history of mankind! … Oh, Ha, oh wait no it does. It happens all the time.

Say they took the more expensive route and didn’t cut those corners. Gas prices just went up 20 cents per gallon. You probably didn’t notice that, but then a few weeks later, they choose the expensive route again. Another 20 cents it goes. Ha! And there it goes again. Did you see that? Oh man, that was fun. Now what? Do you praise them for making the right choices? No, you have no idea that they made the right choices. You just know that gas went up two dollars and you start to bitch about how high gas prices are.

“Well, Dan, they should have at least prepared a little in advance for a leak I mean, seriously. ”Oh yes, just like the architect of the World Trade Center should have planned for his buildings to collapse with people in them, BP should have planned for a huge explosion on their oil rigs causing a pipe to break. People died in that explosion, but you probably didn’t know that. Unforeseeable shit happens. Even if it is foreseeable, like may have been the case for BP, sometimes there really just isn’t anything you can do about it. This is not any one company’s fault. This is our fault but it doesn’t matter. Life will go on, and over time this will fade away just like jean shorts did 30 years ago. We need to own our mess, not just the podium at the Olympics (ooh, sorry Canada, we got more medals than you, too soon?) (They weren’t even second). If everyone could just admit to it, then we’d be in a much better place.

There was actually some good from this oily mess. I bet you didn’t expect that, now did you. Click here.

Damn it, now I’m sad because I thought about the Olympics

Our Obsession with Mobility

America is such a great place. If you don’t agree, we don’t want you here. Move to Mexico. I’ll see you in a week. …With the swine flu and four less fingers from one of the six nights you were robbed and raped. Maybe you should reconsider.

The US is where we are today because you like to spend money. “But I don’t have any money,” you say in a whiney homo voice. I say to you, “Oh yes, you with your four dollar brand name espresso and 60 dollar (I’m probably being generous) jean shorts.” Seriously, throw those shorts away; I feel dirty just looking at you.

Money is what makes the world go ‘round. It’s not love or the Earth’s natural rotation. You’re stupid just for thinking that. No, my friend, it’s cold hard cash. You may not agree, but we just agreed that you're stupid, so you would be wrong. This post is long enough without me explaining that, too.

Oh capitalism! We love you. “But I don’t like capitalism, Dan.” You know, you’re probably right, reading this off of your 1,500 dollar iMac. Maybe you’re on the go, reading this on your 150 dollar mobile device with a 100 dollar monthly fee attached to it. That’s true though, you probably don’t like capitalism. It’s bad. You can move to Africa! There sure as hell isn’t any capitalism there! Just AIDs.

You enjoy the life you live today because of our capitalistic society, and there is nothing wrong with that. You would probably prefer to have it no other way. No, it’s not like this in some other parts of the world, but those places have problems that are hundreds of times worse than ours. Hunger, disease, rampant poverty, creepy kinky sex (seriously Europe, how the hell did you become that way), and the list can go on forever.

Americans rely very heavily on oil, and whether or not that is a problem is debatable. We drive everywhere, and enjoy showing off our cars to our friends. We love driving, and there is nothing wrong with that either; we are a mobile society. We like moving around and being in different places. “I drive a small car! It gets 71 MPG!!! I’m special because I'm saving the world!!” 71 miles per gallon of what … air? Political bullshit??! URINE!? No, it’s probably gas.

Let me ask you something: in the last two months, have you driven less? Even a little less. Has the thought, once, crossed your mind in the past sixty days that maybe you should walk your fat ass instead of drive to meet your friends? No, because that’s stupid – it’d take forever for you to get there. They’d be gone by the time you were done walking. How would you carry all your shit from the store to your house? You sure as hell aren’t going to walk a mile to the grocery store every day for just one or two things, you’re going to drive, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We like to stay busy. We like not having enough time to walk to the grocery store or else we would be doing it all the time.

Driving everywhere encourages oil companies to continue to produce what we need to drive. Why would they stop? You would be absolutely furious if they stopped and there was suddenly a shortage of gas for no reason at all. They will not stop producing until we stop purchasing. Producing for Americans is difficult, we want a lot of stuff and we ideally want it for free. That’s not going to happen, but companies are going to give us the next best thing: as cheap as possible.

Yes, sacrifices are going to be made, but we have already agreed that we are ok with those sacrifices. Example: animals are going to die. Our obsession with mobility has always, and will always, continue to kill animals. I wonder which is worse, dying in an oily mess, or being ripped to pieces when a semi truck plows into them. It’s only fair that our aquatic wildlife be subject to the same terms as our land based species. Have you ever looked at the side of a highway? Seriously, drive to Michigan. There was so much death on the road that it quickly turned out to be the worst road trip drinking game ever. As long as there are animals, we will continue to kill them with our vehicles.

This is just one of those things that we can’t do anything about, or else we would have by now. Until you give up driving and eating meat altogether, you really can’t complain about animals dying.

Be sure to check out Part II of this post here.

The Creepy Side of Facebook

Meet Marie (pretend anyway). She is a friend of my great aunt Rae Rae from back when she lived on Long Island, which ended about 15 years ago. My family, aunt, and her all went on a cruise seven years ago. She and I have emailed about six times since. She is in her 70’s, and still lives in NY.

It was rather surprising to see her profile in my suggested Facebook friends column a few months ago. How would Facebook know that we ever knew each other? I would have never thought she had a profile on Facebook, and have certainly never tried to search for her or use her name in anything I had ever posted. I got to thinking, and realized that the only way Facebook would know we knew each other is if she had used the email tool they provide that uses your email contact list to search for matching email addresses among its users.

I have never used this tool, but apparently she had, and my email address was still in her contacts. Although she never tried to contact me, and probably didn’t even view my profile, Facebook still linked our accounts together. Facebook knows that we at one point knew each other, even though we are not officially Facebook friends. This information is hidden on the Facebook servers, and is unable to be modified or deleted.

This made me angry, and prompted me to try something. I created a new email address and deleted my original email from Facebook and replaced it with this brand new one that I have never emailed anybody with, or received any emails from. About three weeks ago, Marie showed up in my profile again, even though it had been over a month since I removed my original email address.

This was a little startling when I realized how many people I have emailed, and how I really did not ever want to know, or be connected with, most of these people in any way. I had no control over Marie using the email finder tool, but that led our profiles to be connected without either of us knowing about it.

This led to another thought; in 2018, I will be 30 and either a completely different person, or dead (more likely judging by the way I eat), but Facebook will still know that I emailed Marie at least once 10 years earlier. They will also still know that I liked Qdoba, Casino Royale, went to 15 events with 30 of my friends, but didn’t go to these events with those people, friended, defriended, friended again, and finally blocked The Suckubus Critch (crazy bitch) in 2007, what I looked like and how I aged using any of the 300+ photos of me, and would have a pretty good idea of how I interacted with people online. This builds a better profile of myself than what I could even tell you. This is something that I’m not sure I really want a company run by a college drop-out 26 year old knowing.

There is also something that a lot of people don’t understand. Cookies, my favorite are Chips Ahoy, are used by almost every website that you visit. Sites, such as Facebook and many others, can access these cookies on your computer and know where you have been browsing. This is probably why you have seen surprisingly personal Facebook ads. This actually isn’t all bad because it helps target super relevant ads to you based on your browsing history, and relevant ads are good ads. Advertising is one of the most important things you will ever be exposed to, although you probably don’t believe that yet.

This brings me to the point of this post. Happy Quit Facebook Day by the way! No, I’m not going to stop using Facebook just yet; I can get away with saying some pretty unique things that I can’t really say anywhere else, and I definitely enjoy that. I have, however, stopped pouring all of my personal information into a service that does not delete anything, even after you have removed it from your profile.

Facebook won’t be cool forever (let’s face it, Facebook is about to, [or is in the process of] peaking). Facebook is sooo 2006-2010, just like MySpace was soo 2003-2006. 2010 won’t last forever, but your life on the Facebook servers will.

You should just take a second to think about what you have shared, and what Facebook knows about you that you may or may not even know yourself.

I Realized Why I Hate the Local Safeway

RELATED NOTE: I’m not enjoying the sugar cookie that I am eating right now that I purchased at Safeway. I’m pretty sure I can feel the fiberglass that they added…

This just in, that weird taste must be cat urine.

The other day, I had the displeasure of once again visiting my local Safeway. I had every intention of going to the nearby, but further away Target, but I zoned out and ended up missing my exit on the roundabout. Angry at myself, I decided to just go to Safeway as opposed to turning around.

Every single person at that Safeway is either retarded, or disabled. I’ve realized that the ONLY conceivable way that this can be is that they must utilize a Retarded vs. Disabled Vein Diagram in which all potential employees must fall in (diagram shown)

No, I do not hate disabled people, although stay tuned to hear my awkward encounter with one! I hate dumb people, and this Safeway has a lot of them.

I, on numerous occasions, have wanted to go up to someone and explain how to use an intercom system. Paging over the entire store, “Bertha, please page your location, we have a register problem. It’s still not opening. Bertha, page your location. The register is Still. Not. Opening. Thank you Bertha” is NOT an acceptable use of an intercom. You instead say, “Bertha, please dial my extension” but I digress.

Every time I go to that Safeway, I hear some retarded page. But Safeway, you are interrupting your … surprisingly HORRIBLE shopping music! (seriously, how is music that makes me projectile vomit on the Kix supposed to encourage spending?) *Fun fact, I did actually puke a little during this trip to Safeway!.

So I’m cringing at the fact I had just heard a series of two dumbasses paging each other that could have been condensed into one page that was ¼ as long, and go to check out. I just didn’t feel like doing it myself that day, so I went to the only open check stand with a person at it. Luckily there was no line, so I walked right up.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GET YOUR WATER AND LIFT IT FOR YOU SO I CAN RING IT?

Oh, hello, um, no, I think I can handle that, thank you though!...

OK, JUST PUT IT UP HERE

(WHY is she yelling at me?) Ok, I’ll get it (busy texting)

Is it safeway water?

(FIIIINE, ILL GET IT NOW wait… why did she stop yelling at me)

What? No, it’s arrowhead. (As I am lifting it out of the cart and onto her little counter)

Ok (typetypetypetypetype)

Don’t you need to…. (this is where I got my first look at her. Short, obese and connected to an oxygen tank) …….aalcckk scan it or something? (did I just “aalcckk” at her, … Crap, I totally did, I hope she doesn’t notice) Coughcough

Just put this sticker on it so they know I rang it up if they check and so I don’t get fired.

Haha, ook… COUGH, ..Cough, we wouldn’t want that……………..

WOULD YOU LIKE ANY HELP OUT TODAY

(Yes) (you haven’t even started ringing me out yet,) Nah, (looking at her oxygen tank) I think I can handle it today...

DO YOU NEED STAMPS OR ICE TODAY

Noo

(ringing) Pot Roast sounds really good today!

That’s why I’m making it! (I had no idea it was so obvious that I was making pot roast!) I’m pretty excited about it!

Ok, it’s going to come to 13.89 today. DID YOU SLIDE YOUR SAFEWAY CARD?

(You’re really bad at auto-responses) Yup, I got that, thanks! (As I read the “Would you like to help people with disabilities today? “Question on the pinpad)

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HELP PEOPLE WITH DISIBILITIES TODAY?

(Really, you needed to ask me personally, making my what-could-be private decision a public matter? Is this a tactic that works for you? Are you even on oxygen, or are you just pretending so you can make my life as miserable as humanly possible, DAMN IT! I really should have taken her up on her offer to help me to my car today, I would have given her a donation for that. There’s no fucking way I’m donating money just because someone who clearly has a disability but is so willing to help me anyway, asked for it, is this even ethical? I should call the BBB, I wonder if she’s an illegal immigrant, Come to think of it, I don’t think I really want this person touching my food, maybe I can complain to the manager and get a free gift card) …..Nooo,…….. not today……….. (as I hit the no button on the pinpad again and again and again [ I swear to god, the machine froze])

SILENCE

(oh shit, she noticed how vigorously I was hitting the no button)

…..

(umm)

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PUT YOUR BAGS INTO YOUR CART FOR YOU TODAY?

(If you say today ONE more god damn time, I am LITERALLY going to kill myself right here) (Would I die on the spot and be taken directly to hell if I said yes right now? But I really want to see her do it, she wouldn’t offer if she wasn’t confident that she could do it. It’s being more prejudiced to give her special treatment than it would be to just treat her like anyone else, I’d be doing her a favor by valuing her willingness to help me!) No thank you! I got these, Thaaaanks!! :D

OK HAVE A GOOD DAY ( ooh that was close to another “today”)

(I would have had a good day had I just not shopped at this Safeway, I think I’m going to go home and just throw this food away to avoid catching any dieses)…

My pot roast was subpar at best.

My life = terrible at Safeway’s.


Written By: Dan Pag, a pretty awesome guy, although had trouble with formatting.