Dan and the DMV

Nothing makes me happier than a trip to the DMV. I enjoy going so much, that I actually went twice in order to get my drivers license renewed. I figured I’d beat the rush and not have to wait for two hours if I went early, after I got there at 2 and just turned around because it was so crowded. The second time I went, I got there at 8:07 am, and since I got there so early, I only had to wait two hours.

I would like to know which DMV all the normal people go to, they have to get drivers licenses too, right? Or does going to the DMV automatically make you crazy, because everyone there was insane. I was pretty sure I was going to catch stupid from the woman sitting next to me. She smelled so bad it wasn’t even funny. That of course didn’t keep me from laughing a little to myself anyway. She reminded me of a gorilla.

Let me start from the beginning. So I walked in, and was greeted by some old lady. May I help you? I need to get my drivers license renewed. Your Colorado license? Uuummm, yes? Ok, here’s a number, take a seat. (Seriously? Is this all you do?) They only have one person working a computer so they can have an angry old lady hand out numbers and ask stupid questions? You know, I understand. Grabbing a number is growing to be an extremely difficult task. I was very upset.

There was this guy there, who was like 100, in a neck brace. Whatever, I don’t care why you are in a neck brace, don’t talk to me, thanks. Can’t you tell I am texting/updating my facebook and twitter status’s constantly? GOD. He walked away eventually, and managed to drop his pen. He was too far away for me to do anything about it, but none of the other people did anything about it either. We all just stared at him and his neck brace as he struggled to pick up his pen. He got it, but had to be stretchered out several minutes later.

They called my number, and I walked up to the counter (still a little shaken about an old man needing medical assistance at the DMV) (FACT: Going to the DMV MAY kill you). She started doing her thing on the computer and I just stood there, zoned out a little. All of a sudden, I sensed that nothing was happening, so I casually look over to the DMV lady to see what’s up. I find her literally staring out into what seemed to be nowhere; with this retarded blank stare on her face. Then she went back to typing, then stopped again. At this point, I started to fear for my life. Is this woman a robot? What the hell is wrong with her? She started typing up again, and then stopped. She kept looking to the same spot, so I kind of turned to see where she was looking. As I was turning, she explained , “I’m trying to get her attention so she can get me some coffee.” What? By staring at her? She’s not even facing you, and she’s not that far away. She can probably hear what you are saying if she wasn’t 100 years old too. Maybe this is why you’ve been working at the DMV for 13 miserable years, because you try to use telepathic powers to get people to be your slave.

So you still 6’2, 145 pounds? Brown hair blue eyes? Aahh, sure. (no, I'm 155 pounds now, thanks) She looks up and at my eyes.

You have very interesting eyes; they are weird in a good way. (Staring at my face) Has anyone ever told you that? (yes) Umm, no, not really. (Continues staring at my face). I fake chuckle lightly, and she resumes typing. I didn’t really want to piss the DMV lady off. When I used to work at Walgreens all these old women would regularly compliment me on my beautiful eyes. But they were all over 60. It’s really not that nice when 60 year olds compliment your eyes. WHY DOES NO ONE ELSE NOTICE my beautiful eyes? GOD.

So I was done with her, and getting my picture taken by some other dinosaur of a woman. Oh, you were born on April Fools Day! I bet that was a joke to your parents! (HAHAHA! You are so funny, you are the first person to ever tell me that, EVER) Yea, it’s kind of a joke to me too. (What? That doesn’t even make sense, what the hell was I thinking?) Ha ha, yea, I’m sure. (Thanks for the pity laugh DMV Photo lady).

I got my license today in the mail, and I am quite pleased with how my picture turned out. It’s just a constant reminder of how hot I really am. Thank you DMV for this experience, but more importantly, making me look attractive in my driver’s license photo that I will have for 6 years.

Dan's Trip to Holister

So I went to a Holister today. No, I’m not a high school girl, thanks. My sister is though, and I forgot to buy her a stupid birthday present this year. OOH MMYY GODD, Just this One time, calm down, don’t have a cow. That was an interesting conversation at the dinner table; WHHAAT!!!? You didn’t get your sister anything for her birthday?!? Jesus Mother, chill out, I’ll get her something tomorrow; Her birthday was 4 days ago and we are just now celebrating, I’m pretty sure she’s just happy that we all remembered at all. This clearly was the best time I could think of to tell my mom that I was ditching school the next day too.

Tomorrow came and my sister and I went to Colorado Mills, because earlier that week, I had walked around and saw a Holister there. It was there, shut up. My sister was like, I'm pretty sure there is no Holister in Colorado Mills. But, I, obviously being right, said that I know I saw one, and we went. So we got there, and walked around the entire mall, just to find out that it had apparently closed down and completely vanished and had been transformed into something new between the time I was there several days earlier and the present moment. My sister started to cry because she really wanted these stupid jeans (my sister didn’t cry) and so I said I’d take her to Park Meadows because I felt like being nice. I actually just really enjoy driving while my sister cries.

We finally get to Park Meadows, and some asshole in the Eddie Bauer store came up to me and put his arm around me because apparently we went to high school together. I told him to stop snorting coke and pushed him into a sales rack. I had never seen this person in my entire life, he must have been drunk. Needless to say, I can never go into that Eddie Bauer store again; it’d just bring back bad memories. And isn’t that store for old people anyway? Turns out I Did go to high school with him as I realized several hours later. I bet he’s over it by now.

So we get to the Holister, and the god damn music was so loud that I could hardly hear myself think, let alone what my sister is saying, and I immediately wanted to die. It was dark, loud and everything was crammed in. I was very upset. Why do people shop there again?

As I was sitting there, waiting for my sister to try on 13 pairs of pants, I started to notice the people who work there. These two guys were folding some girls shirts and they were gossiping to each other as if they were on some MTV reality show. I had no idea that those people actually existed. One had weird hair too. Then the weird haired guy went over and talked on the phone for like ten minutes. Who does that? Everyone knows cybersex is the newest thing. Stupid douche.

Hey, I work at Holister, and I’m offended! Shut up, we all know you can’t read. Did you even graduate from high school?

My sister picked out some pants, and I was buying them from the stupid douche with the weird hair. It took forever, because apparently he was stupid, a douche, and slow. For some reason (I'm really lazy) I don’t ever sign my credit cards. Why would I give an example of my signature to some asshole that steals wallets? Here’s my ATM number too! So he looks at the back of my card, and asks, do you have an ID? I fumble around in my wallet just to realize that No, no I do not (refer to DMV story). So I say, No, and just stare at him with a, If you don’t give me my god damn bag I will rip your fugly face off look. He responded with, that’s ok. Here you go, and we left.

I was so unhappy that I almost shoplifted something, but then realized that A) I don’t shoplift and B) whatever I took it’d be from Holister and basically useless, so I didn’t. Maybe I'll steal something the next time when I forget about my sister’s birthday for 4 days.