RELATED NOTE: I’m not enjoying the sugar cookie that I am eating right now that I purchased at Safeway. I’m pretty sure I can feel the fiberglass that they added…
This just in, that weird taste must be cat urine.
The other day, I had the displeasure of once again visiting my local Safeway. I had every intention of going to the nearby, but further away Target, but I zoned out and ended up missing my exit on the roundabout. Angry at myself, I decided to just go to Safeway as opposed to turning around.
Every single person at that Safeway is either retarded, or disabled. I’ve realized that the ONLY conceivable way that this can be is that they must utilize a Retarded vs. Disabled Vein Diagram in which all potential employees must fall in (diagram shown)
No, I do not hate disabled people, although stay tuned to hear my awkward encounter with one! I hate dumb people, and this Safeway has a lot of them.
I, on numerous occasions, have wanted to go up to someone and explain how to use an intercom system. Paging over the entire store, “Bertha, please page your location, we have a register problem. It’s still not opening. Bertha, page your location. The register is Still. Not. Opening. Thank you Bertha” is NOT an acceptable use of an intercom. You instead say, “Bertha, please dial my extension” but I digress.
Every time I go to that Safeway, I hear some retarded page. But Safeway, you are interrupting your … surprisingly HORRIBLE shopping music! (seriously, how is music that makes me projectile vomit on the Kix supposed to encourage spending?) *Fun fact, I did actually puke a little during this trip to Safeway!.
So I’m cringing at the fact I had just heard a series of two dumbasses paging each other that could have been condensed into one page that was ¼ as long, and go to check out. I just didn’t feel like doing it myself that day, so I went to the only open check stand with a person at it. Luckily there was no line, so I walked right up.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GET YOUR WATER AND LIFT IT FOR YOU SO I CAN RING IT?
Oh, hello, um, no, I think I can handle that, thank you though!...
OK, JUST PUT IT UP HERE
(WHY is she yelling at me?) Ok, I’ll get it (busy texting)
Is it safeway water?
(FIIIINE, ILL GET IT NOW wait… why did she stop yelling at me)
What? No, it’s arrowhead. (As I am lifting it out of the cart and onto her little counter)
Ok (typetypetypetypetype)
Don’t you need to…. (this is where I got my first look at her. Short, obese and connected to an oxygen tank) …….aalcckk scan it or something? (did I just “aalcckk” at her, … Crap, I totally did, I hope she doesn’t notice) Coughcough
Just put this sticker on it so they know I rang it up if they check and so I don’t get fired.
Haha, ook… COUGH, ..Cough, we wouldn’t want that……………..
WOULD YOU LIKE ANY HELP OUT TODAY
(Yes) (you haven’t even started ringing me out yet,) Nah, (looking at her oxygen tank) I think I can handle it today...
DO YOU NEED STAMPS OR ICE TODAY
Noo
(ringing) Pot Roast sounds really good today!
That’s why I’m making it! (I had no idea it was so obvious that I was making pot roast!) I’m pretty excited about it!
Ok, it’s going to come to 13.89 today. DID YOU SLIDE YOUR SAFEWAY CARD?
(You’re really bad at auto-responses) Yup, I got that, thanks! (As I read the “Would you like to help people with disabilities today? “Question on the pinpad)
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HELP PEOPLE WITH DISIBILITIES TODAY?
(Really, you needed to ask me personally, making my what-could-be private decision a public matter? Is this a tactic that works for you? Are you even on oxygen, or are you just pretending so you can make my life as miserable as humanly possible, DAMN IT! I really should have taken her up on her offer to help me to my car today, I would have given her a donation for that. There’s no fucking way I’m donating money just because someone who clearly has a disability but is so willing to help me anyway, asked for it, is this even ethical? I should call the BBB, I wonder if she’s an illegal immigrant, Come to think of it, I don’t think I really want this person touching my food, maybe I can complain to the manager and get a free gift card) …..Nooo,…….. not today……….. (as I hit the no button on the pinpad again and again and again [ I swear to god, the machine froze])
SILENCE
(oh shit, she noticed how vigorously I was hitting the no button)
…..
(umm)
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PUT YOUR BAGS INTO YOUR CART FOR YOU TODAY?
(If you say today ONE more god damn time, I am LITERALLY going to kill myself right here) (Would I die on the spot and be taken directly to hell if I said yes right now? But I really want to see her do it, she wouldn’t offer if she wasn’t confident that she could do it. It’s being more prejudiced to give her special treatment than it would be to just treat her like anyone else, I’d be doing her a favor by valuing her willingness to help me!) No thank you! I got these, Thaaaanks!! :D
OK HAVE A GOOD DAY ( ooh that was close to another “today”)
(I would have had a good day had I just not shopped at this Safeway, I think I’m going to go home and just throw this food away to avoid catching any dieses)…
My pot roast was subpar at best.
My life = terrible at Safeway’s.
Written By: Dan Pag, a pretty awesome guy, although had trouble with formatting.
Written By: Dan Pag, a pretty awesome guy, although had trouble with formatting.
